i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
