I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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