goodnight i made you a song goodbye
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
