I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
