Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
