he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Come on in and take your pants off
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