She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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