It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
