Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
