porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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