Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
