Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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