I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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