I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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