If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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