I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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