My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
