her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
