she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
