my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
