So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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