plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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