you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
