We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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