OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
