i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I could make wine with my vomit
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
