my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
