I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
