walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
