I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
