how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
