I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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