I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
