I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
