There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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