So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
