Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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