When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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