If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You took a bar mat shot.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
