she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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