from now on my penis is your penis
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
