Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
