He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
