i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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