I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
