C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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