I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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