You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My vagina just recognized that song.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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