I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
