this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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