plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
stop calling my apartment porn island.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
