I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Will exercising make me less horny?
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