when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
