She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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