Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Randomize
